Looking for a peace of mind.

I have been restless.

Since moving back to Finland after a long journey, my mind keeps spinning insanely fast rounds over and over for a reason I haven't been able to explain. You know this feeling, when you think that you need to think or if you don't think you think you need to do something.

I plan, I search, I browse through endless amounts of letters, words, sentences jumping up and down, back and forth. I read and try to keep track of the world but I am not focusing. I write, rewrite, structure, erase and then copypaste it all back again. Delete. Delete. Delete. Undo changes. Make a call,  interact, talk to people, or better said – communicate. Be fun, be outgoing, take care of relationships.

This mass of information, coming-and-going, and blabla is getting too overwhealming. What is the point in all this?

On the surface someone might say that everything should be great with me and that I should just be satisfied with it. I have a palce to live, food to eat, a dream job (or at least at one point I thought it was), friends, family, education and good physical health.

But, still, somehow I feel there is something more to it.

It took me a random encounter with a stranger and a busdriver listening to classical music during the rush hour to get what is going on.

I used to read books, draw, sing, listen to music, sleep, cook and eat good food, breathe fresh air, be outside, be with people, be in the nature. I used to do things instead of writing about them on Facebook.

I need to find that person again and figure out what it is that I really want to do, who are the people I really want to be with, and what are the things that really matter to me. I need to shut the screens more often.

And I need to calm the fuck down.

Stuck! In the name of love.

Recently, I had a long talk with a friend who has had quite troublesome past with personal relationships. She keeps repeating the same pattern where the other person leaves her empty and puzzled. Why do I fall for these people who just suck the life and energy out of me? she kept asking.

Inspired by the conversation, Diana Ross (though you may argue with my interpretation), and by the amazing series My Mad Fat Diary: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2407574/, I decided, it is time to speak up.

Too many of us (including myself) are – at least sometimes – so infatuated by self-loath that we cannot even see it anymore. Whether it is about being good at your job, studies, hobbies, friendships, or personal relationships, we keep pushing ourselves to the ground.

"My boss just had a bad day and I was being annoying so it's understandable that he/she was acting like a dick."  

"Yeah I ran the marathon, but so does everyone else these days." 

"Of course I will help him/her even though I am tired, she/he really needs me!" 

"I will not call her/him, because I don't want him/her to feel anxious or pressured." 

"Yes, I like myself! (when I do something right and good...)"

STOP! Before you break my heart.

After the conversation, I realized that it is so damn hard to love yourself unconditionally. Especially in today's world, where knowing your worth is often regarded as being smug. Instead of feeling sufficient, we keep believing that taking care of everyone else is what makes us good. We believe that for good things to happen we have to earn them.

Baby, think it over. Think it over, baby.

Why don't we get unstuck together, starting right now. Repeat after me: I AM AWESOME, AND YOU KNOW IT TOO.

The lucky one

As I was gazing at the grey Monday morning with my coffee cup and a bit sad song on the background, I realized how amazing people I have around me. Here, far, in the past and hopefully in the future.

I don't know whether it was my hormones, the first healthy day after a sick week or the fact that such small yet so grand things happened to me the past days that, all of a sudden, I bursted into tears.

• Three long emails from friends living oceans apart from me saying they're doing great and that they cannot wait the moment when we meet again.
• Eating candy with a cousin you haven't seen for a while and hearig that she's really happy – and then receiving a message afterwards saying "You're lovely".
• Having the most optimistic and lively person on this planet to tell you that "I like you" after a cup of tea and sympathy on a rainy, melancholic day. 
• Reading a note on Facebook from a friend who you haven't realized you miss so much.
• Skyping with another friend for two hours just to hear she's got an amazing internship and a new start.
• Gathering around a table with a huge group at a Turkish restaurant and laughing so much it hurts while the other table gives mean (and jealous) glances at you.
• Meeting with relatives over an awesome brunch and figuring out that your family rocks.
• Surprising someone with friends, cakes and pizza on a Sunday night.

I am so damn lucky. Holy fuck.

I know this is sentimental, cheesy and most likely really tacky, but screw it: 

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You know who you are, and you mean so much to me.

Today is your day.

Today is Saturday. A day of sunshine, rain, clouds. A day of birth, a day of marriage. Today people brake up, get divorced or lose all of their money. Today someone will give up. Quite some will come to the end of their lives today. Someone will get hired, another one fired. Somewhere someone begins a journey and elsewhere a voyage ends.

Today is also the International Women's Day. For years I have pondered how to deal with it.

At times, I feel that this day is an important reminder of all the inequalities between sexes – not only between men and women but also between those who cannot, or do not want to, be defined. A reminder of differences in wages and job opportunities. A reminder of how chances in education, becoming a parent, and gaining recognition and respect are not the same for everyone.

Other times, I find this whole concept of "Women's" Day as useless, backward, and underlying as Valentine's Day. A celebration, whose only purpose is to emphasize the superiority of hegemonic masculinity and oldfashioned, parochial values and beliefs. Why should we proclaim once a year how important women are for the world? Why should women be differentiated from men, from transgendered, from intersexuals? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?

These are tricky questions I do not have an answer for and most likely I never will. What I do know however, is that too often we wait a reason to act. "A reason" to do something, to feel something, to speak up. No matter how clichée it is, we should live every day like it would be our last – do the things we want to do instead of waiting for some great sign.

Today is as insignificant and boring as any other day. And yet, today is the day when you do the most important choice of your life. The day when you say the sweetest words someone has ever heard. The day when you are happier than you will ever be.

So, embrace it, because today is freakin' awesome!

If it makes you happy.

Oh Christmas time, what should I say...

Don't you ever feel the expectations getting too high? In such a way that in the end you (and your close ones if you are lucky to have some) end up cursing the whole thing where the sun doesn't shine, and just wish the year was over, anyone?

What I find the funniest, is that usually the ones who should be the happiest – people with a companion, children and friends – end up fighting the most over some stupid things such as the consistency of the gravy. Where is the gratitude?

Obviously I am not a great fan of Christmas. There is, however, one thing I really like about the end of the year. For me, it is always the time for a new start. I mean, whatever happend the past 12 months is over now and the only way to go is forward. Whether you screwed up royally or had the time of your life, there is a chance for change. After pondering in between my past and future, I have come to realize one thing: never give up on love.

No joke, I am dead serious. The past weeks I have witnessed some of my closest friends experiencing what is to love unconditionally. And just seeing that, makes me want to keep on believing it can't be that bad. A first smile of a child that belongs to someone who played with you in the school yard. An engagement picture of two people from a place where they have dreamt of going for ages. Or hearing, through the tears of joy, the I-dos of a couple who couldn't be more real and right.

No matter how many disappointments, broken hearts and messed up things you might have had, there is a way to come around them. Love is not easy to find and it is even more difficult to keep, but it is there. And just believing in it can make you happy.

So, what if right now everything's wrong?

Striking news: journalism is sick and tired!

Today I want to share some thoughts about writing, about journalism and about being a young freelancer – or an enterpreneur, to make it sexier.

I used to think that "as long as you keep going everything will work out", "Just keep going".

It all started after I finished high school and decided to move to France, because I was totally lost with what I wanted to do. After about a year of searching and trying to integrate to another culture, I returned home and decided to pursue for journalism.

First I took the obvious way: university. Didn't get accepted. So I tried another way. And another, and another, and another...failures, disappointments, even some successes. "Keep going".

Working for free, studying, reading, working overtime for free, writing, doing workshops, brainstorming, moving, learning languages, networking, asking, working and getting paid, studying, listening, reading, moving, questioning, sending applications, calling, writing, listening, moving, trying harder. "Keep going".

After some years, I moved yet to another country to study more, to learn more, to open my eyes. Must stand out of the crowd. Working, reading, learning, studying, questioning, moving, working, learning, asking. "Keep going".

Our world has kept going on too. Catastrophes, wars, financial crisis, environmental crisis, food crisis, poverty, hunger, money, growth, branding, development, competition, unemployment, success stories. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube. Laptops, smartphones, tablets, pads, pods, streaming, sharing, posting. Blogging, taking photos.

Photographers trying to get a living while shooting, filming, layouting, doing graphics, editing, even writing. Writers trying to do all the above and realizing that the thing you are best at suffers because you are asked to multitask and have no time to do anything properly.

Longtime professionals trying to fight against the prevailing, absurd copywrite policies in order to get paid as they should. Young professionals trying to compete with thousands of others, even work for free, to get the foot between the door and gain recognition in hoping that some day they make a living with what they love to do. "Keep going".

Are you feeling dizzy?

It has been eight years since I started this rollercoaster, and in a couple of months, I will end one chapter of my life knowing that I have absolutely no certainty what is going to happen in the next one. I am afraid.

I am afraid that I will remain unemployed. I am afraid that my capabilities are not enough and I should try harder. I am afraid that I am forced to learn how to multitask with all kinds of technologies and still be aware of what is going on in the world, in all the different forms of social media, and still look around, observe people and come up with unique ideas. "Keep going".

I am afraid that I am forced to make catchy headlines and write stories in an interesting and objective yet funny yet serious yet informative manner while knowing that newspapers and magazines are dying. Who's gonna read them anyways?

I am afraid and I am tired of keep going.

I want to take time to look around, to focus. I want to listen without having to think where I have to be in the next few hours. I want to investigate, re-read, question, evaluate and rewrite while I write. I want to write stories that have a message, a meaning, a purpose. I want to write stories that don't have to have catchy headlines just to get 100 000 clicks. I want work with professional photographers, layouters, and graphic designers who have time to do what they are best at without having to worry about hundred and ten other things.

I want to write stories that make both you and me stop.

When I was 26

A year ago, I woke up in a quite different setting.

After a blurry night of trying to get rid of the nasty feeling of 25-lost-and-alone, I looked at the morning rays with a stranger. The stranger was exciting, new and confident. I was sure that the stranger would help me overcome the uncomfortable feeling. "Everything will be different", I thought.

And different it has been – not exactly the way I planned it though.

I have observed, listened, and felt unconditional happiness and love, as I have seen my friends and closed ones reaching their dreams and turning new pages.

I have blinded my eyes, shut my ears, and numbed myself, as I have experienced misery and pain too hard to handle around me.

I have worked worked worked. Sometimes so hard that I have forgotten why. I have travelled through time and borders. I have sat down and been quiet. I have ran. Ran away and towards the finish line.

I have laughed and cried. Been hopeless and desperate because of stupid things like being late or saying something embarrassing. I have been joyfull and optimistic when realizing that small things such as drinking wine with a friend are actually what makes everything great.

I have backed out and taken a leap of faith. I have told the truth and lied over the phone to my mother that everything is a-okay. I have been pretending.

And, little by little I have tried to get rid of the stranger.

This morning there was nothing exciting, only me, honest and plain, crying in her coffee cup. But these tears were no bad tears, although they were flavoured with a tiny bit of self-pity (after all, it is my freakin' birthday and I'm alone working for my stupid thesis).

These tears came from the realization that being sad is as good as being happy. Life can be a bitch and at times it is so wonderful that your heart almost cannot take it.

Therefore, today I have no expectations. Only thing I am sure about is that I don't need any strangers to make me happy. I can be just me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DKxBdvEtuU