Looking for a peace of mind.

I have been restless.

Since moving back to Finland after a long journey, my mind keeps spinning insanely fast rounds over and over for a reason I haven't been able to explain. You know this feeling, when you think that you need to think or if you don't think you think you need to do something.

I plan, I search, I browse through endless amounts of letters, words, sentences jumping up and down, back and forth. I read and try to keep track of the world but I am not focusing. I write, rewrite, structure, erase and then copypaste it all back again. Delete. Delete. Delete. Undo changes. Make a call,  interact, talk to people, or better said – communicate. Be fun, be outgoing, take care of relationships.

This mass of information, coming-and-going, and blabla is getting too overwhealming. What is the point in all this?

On the surface someone might say that everything should be great with me and that I should just be satisfied with it. I have a palce to live, food to eat, a dream job (or at least at one point I thought it was), friends, family, education and good physical health.

But, still, somehow I feel there is something more to it.

It took me a random encounter with a stranger and a busdriver listening to classical music during the rush hour to get what is going on.

I used to read books, draw, sing, listen to music, sleep, cook and eat good food, breathe fresh air, be outside, be with people, be in the nature. I used to do things instead of writing about them on Facebook.

I need to find that person again and figure out what it is that I really want to do, who are the people I really want to be with, and what are the things that really matter to me. I need to shut the screens more often.

And I need to calm the fuck down.

Stuck! In the name of love.

Recently, I had a long talk with a friend who has had quite troublesome past with personal relationships. She keeps repeating the same pattern where the other person leaves her empty and puzzled. Why do I fall for these people who just suck the life and energy out of me? she kept asking.

Inspired by the conversation, Diana Ross (though you may argue with my interpretation), and by the amazing series My Mad Fat Diary: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2407574/, I decided, it is time to speak up.

Too many of us (including myself) are – at least sometimes – so infatuated by self-loath that we cannot even see it anymore. Whether it is about being good at your job, studies, hobbies, friendships, or personal relationships, we keep pushing ourselves to the ground.

"My boss just had a bad day and I was being annoying so it's understandable that he/she was acting like a dick."  

"Yeah I ran the marathon, but so does everyone else these days." 

"Of course I will help him/her even though I am tired, she/he really needs me!" 

"I will not call her/him, because I don't want him/her to feel anxious or pressured." 

"Yes, I like myself! (when I do something right and good...)"

STOP! Before you break my heart.

After the conversation, I realized that it is so damn hard to love yourself unconditionally. Especially in today's world, where knowing your worth is often regarded as being smug. Instead of feeling sufficient, we keep believing that taking care of everyone else is what makes us good. We believe that for good things to happen we have to earn them.

Baby, think it over. Think it over, baby.

Why don't we get unstuck together, starting right now. Repeat after me: I AM AWESOME, AND YOU KNOW IT TOO.

The lucky one

As I was gazing at the grey Monday morning with my coffee cup and a bit sad song on the background, I realized how amazing people I have around me. Here, far, in the past and hopefully in the future.

I don't know whether it was my hormones, the first healthy day after a sick week or the fact that such small yet so grand things happened to me the past days that, all of a sudden, I bursted into tears.

• Three long emails from friends living oceans apart from me saying they're doing great and that they cannot wait the moment when we meet again.
• Eating candy with a cousin you haven't seen for a while and hearig that she's really happy – and then receiving a message afterwards saying "You're lovely".
• Having the most optimistic and lively person on this planet to tell you that "I like you" after a cup of tea and sympathy on a rainy, melancholic day. 
• Reading a note on Facebook from a friend who you haven't realized you miss so much.
• Skyping with another friend for two hours just to hear she's got an amazing internship and a new start.
• Gathering around a table with a huge group at a Turkish restaurant and laughing so much it hurts while the other table gives mean (and jealous) glances at you.
• Meeting with relatives over an awesome brunch and figuring out that your family rocks.
• Surprising someone with friends, cakes and pizza on a Sunday night.

I am so damn lucky. Holy fuck.

I know this is sentimental, cheesy and most likely really tacky, but screw it: 

Thank you, thank you, thank you! You know who you are, and you mean so much to me.

Today is your day.

Today is Saturday. A day of sunshine, rain, clouds. A day of birth, a day of marriage. Today people brake up, get divorced or lose all of their money. Today someone will give up. Quite some will come to the end of their lives today. Someone will get hired, another one fired. Somewhere someone begins a journey and elsewhere a voyage ends.

Today is also the International Women's Day. For years I have pondered how to deal with it.

At times, I feel that this day is an important reminder of all the inequalities between sexes – not only between men and women but also between those who cannot, or do not want to, be defined. A reminder of differences in wages and job opportunities. A reminder of how chances in education, becoming a parent, and gaining recognition and respect are not the same for everyone.

Other times, I find this whole concept of "Women's" Day as useless, backward, and underlying as Valentine's Day. A celebration, whose only purpose is to emphasize the superiority of hegemonic masculinity and oldfashioned, parochial values and beliefs. Why should we proclaim once a year how important women are for the world? Why should women be differentiated from men, from transgendered, from intersexuals? What does it mean to be a woman anyways?

These are tricky questions I do not have an answer for and most likely I never will. What I do know however, is that too often we wait a reason to act. "A reason" to do something, to feel something, to speak up. No matter how clichée it is, we should live every day like it would be our last – do the things we want to do instead of waiting for some great sign.

Today is as insignificant and boring as any other day. And yet, today is the day when you do the most important choice of your life. The day when you say the sweetest words someone has ever heard. The day when you are happier than you will ever be.

So, embrace it, because today is freakin' awesome!